Oh boy. I might be "on one" today...
I don't even know how to start today's post. There are so many crazy thoughts going through my brain and there doesn't seem to be a beginning.
Since the babies were 6 weeks old, I've been pumping as many as 8 times per day. Foster just couldn't nurse (short tongue) and would get frustrated and scream, leading Harper to scream, ending with me screaming. To call it a disaster was putting it mildly. I called in the experts and tried everything the experts suggested, including keeping the babies on me for 24 hours straight (no joke) but nothing worked. Something had to give and nursing was it. I haven't been vocal about it on this blog because I was afraid of some nursing gestapo making me feel worse than I already did. I have felt so much guilt over not nursing. So. Much. Guilt. And yes, all of it was self-imposed.
Note to any friends or family members who are not yet mothers: you will start experiencing Mother's Guilt the minute you find out you're pregnant and it only gets worse once the baby or babies arrive.
I was pumping and they were getting breast milk so that was good, but the whole bonding over something as intimate as nursing was gone. And that made me really sad. The pros in our situation was that because I started pumping and bottle feeding, I knew how much my babies were consuming AND other people could help me feed the nerds. So, since the end of July, I've been pumping. Recently I dropped down to only 4 times per day because Foster has been on sensitive formula since he was 5.5 months and HRH was the only one getting breast milk. Pumping 4 times/day was enough to provide Harper with everything she needed. Well, as I've got a trip to Canada coming up and I didn't want to take my pump with me, I decided to stop pumping. That was on Easter Sunday. And since then, I've been an emotional wreck...again, putting it mildly. My hormones are making me CRAZY. At least, I'd like to blame it on my hormones.
Last week was the nerds' 9 month check-up. I knew going into it what the doctor would ask about their development. I knew I'd have to say no to all of her questions about waving, shaking their heads, crawling, and all of the other things she asked. Our pediatrician is fantastic and she made me feel really good with what they can do, which is sit up really, really well. I left the appointment feeling okay that they weren't doing all of those things that every other 9 month old can do. Also, the doctor informing me that I might have offspring who are genetically predisposed to never crawl made me feel sort of alright with the slackers.
Yesterday I read a blog post of a woman who's twins are just a couple of weeks older than mine. And hers came a few weeks earlier than mine, so they were considered premature and I think they both spent considerable time in the NICU. Anyway, she reported that at 9 months, they could do all kinds of things, including saying a few words. I mean, her kids are freaking Einsteins compared to mine. They wave hi and bye, they clap, crawl, hug each other, and are pulling themselves up on furniture. And so I started feeling bad all over again that mine don't do anything. And by anything, I mean anything. Oh wait, they are great sitters...did I mention that already?
I wondered if I wasn't doing enough for their development and if some of our routine was actually delaying it. For example, every morning they watch Baby Einstein for 25 minutes before they go down for their morning nap. I started wondering if by watching these DVDs they were in fact becoming Baby Dullards. So now I'm trying to do some "research" to see if I'm harming them. But I so need those 25 minutes to shower or eat breakfast or clean the kitchen or do one of the million tasks I need to do each day to keep the 4 walls from crashing down around us.
I also went online to see what a regular daily schedule for 9-10 month old's looks like and found some on www.babycenter.com. Only one of the mother's admitted to letting her child watch a DVD every day. Great. I AM ruining them because no one else seems to do that. But, to my credit, none of the kiddos who's daily schedules I read were twins. And I do think that makes a difference in what our day looks like because it's not that easy to pack them both up and head to the library for some mommy and me book time.
I can't help but wonder if they are delayed because of me. Am I a terrible mother? Am I not doing enough for them? Is Cohen so brilliant because of his other "mothers" at daycare?
Thankfully I've had a couple of friends who have talked me down off the ledge the last couple of days and assured me it's not me and that they'll crawl and do all of those other things in their own time, which I know. I just so easily forget.
I do know that when the day, the glorious day, arrives that they decide to stop just sitting there and they crawl...if they crawl...they'll probably be rollers like Cohen...I will curse and wish that they would still be lazy-a**-sitters.
There are 4 bright spots though:
1) I was able to get out and participate in a girls' night out last night and it was really, really good for my soul. The fact that I kicked some serious a** at "name that tune" really helped. Don't mess with me and eighties music.
2) The nerds were pure delights at lunch today. My friend, S, and I put our big girl pants on and took them to The Olive Garden, because we're classy like that. And the nerds were amazing. And we met a woman who has a set of twins at home the same age as mine PLUS another set of twins that are 3. And it made me thank the good Lord that He only saw fit to give me one set of twins.
3) When I got home from lunch, there was a gorgeous, bright, beautiful flower arrangement sitting on my front step from an incredibly thoughtful and lovely friend who'd read my blog from earlier this week and felt I needed a bright spot. And believe me, it made my soul feel really, really good.
4) Foster waved at me for the first time yesterday, and now he's a waving fool. He waved bye-bye to Big C last night when he put him down.
So there's the peek inside my brain that you wish you hadn't read. I'll probably regret posting this rant as soon as I hit "post." And in a year or two when I re-read this post, I'll laugh at myself and think I'm such a drama queen, as you probably are doing now.